Sunday, December 13, 2009


I have been struggling today with emotions.
It starts this morning with me waking up with the whole day ahead of me. I was feeling refresh, could be because I went to bed at 9:15, hehe. Had my sister spend the night with Haley (remember they are only 11 months apart), HOW COOL IS THAT! Anyhow, I was going to take everyone to church and then go out to eat. They had begged me to go out and eat. The only thing missing was Wesley. I wanted him to join us so bad. Well, he had a rough morning and was sick. At that point I just wanted to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I know it is not his fault, but I am so tired of feeling alone.
The kids LOVE church and I knew there was no backing out now. So we went to church. After church I did what I said I would, I took them out to eat by myself, all five of them. Yes, I got some stares. Oh well!! They ate good and they were happy. That makes me happy.
Church brings me to my other emotion today. We have had so many people help us, pray for us, be there for us and everything in between for the last two years. I can not even explain how thankful we are. It is so hard for me to take from others. I have always been the one that gave, that helped, it is really hard to be on the other end.
You may have to have went through something like that to understand what I mean. As thankful as I am, I still am struggling with the emotions of feeling like we have not been able to take care of ourselves for two years. We have had to have others help. It is hard.
It amazes me everyday at how many people we have toughed. How many people that love us. How many people love my kids. Somedays I wonder why. So many say how brave and strong I am, but sometimes I feel like I am barely hanging on.
One thing that has hit me right in the face, is the fact that I used to have to much pride. God has taught me a lesson and is still teaching me. And, even though I am still struggling, I have came a long ways.
I keep having faith that after this next surgery Wesley will be better. I have a feeling I am going to really need him with Kyra. I think if he can be better and be there for me, things will be so much easier.
Speaking of Kyra, tomorrow is her appt. with her family Dr. We will discuss everything that the NY Dr. told me and study the MRI. Hopefully get some tests on the calendar and some phone calls to some specialists. Thats my hope.
I am nervous. I know I do not know "how bad" yet or what else is going on, but today I have just been upset. Kyra is the spliting imagine of me. Everything; her looks, her personality, the spliting imagine. WHY? Why, does she have everything from me and then she has Wesley's brain disease. It is hard to not feel mad! Even though I really do know that God has a plan and I do know that everything will be ok, today I have let my emotions take over. I am thinking after a goodnights sleep I will feel better. GoodNight All!

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